Five years ago:
“I’m twenty-five years old. I consider a Grande Skinny Caramel Latte from Starbucks to be a well-balanced breakfast. I’m a Weight Watchers lifetime member. I’ve been married for five years. I live in southern California. I find myself extremely creative but am still waiting to see if I have any real talent. I find it impossible to spend less than $50 at Target. I love to watch TV and consider the DVR to be one of man’s greatest inventions. I am totally inconsistent. I’m a photographer… trapped inside the body of an administrative assistant. I don’t like people. I love tequila. I love to watch movies. I can’t live without chocolate. I’m eleven years younger than The Husband. I’m afraid of everything and I desperately want people to find me interesting.”
Five years! A lot has happened in five years and I feel the need to dissect the hell out of that paragraph. Humor me.
“I’m twenty-five years old.” Twenty-five? Holy hell, that sounds young. I’m thirty now (obvi) and the only thing I’ve learned in the last five years is that I never want to be twenty-five again. Okay, that’s not the only thing I’ve learned, but close.
“I consider a Grande Skinny Caramel Latte from Starbucks to be a well-balanced breakfast.” Now it’s a Grande Toffee Nut Latte. With 2% milk. Because non-fat tastes like ass.
“I’m a Weight Watchers lifetime member.” This sentence makes me want to cry. And then jump off the 19th floor. Because I was there! I had done it! I had lost the weight and achieved my goal and I was thin! WHY DID I GO AND FUCK IT ALL UP!?
“I’ve been married for five years.” We made it to seven. And now I’m single.
“I live in southern California.” Yep. Still true. I’ve gone absolutely nowhere.
“I find myself extremely creative but am still waiting to see if I have any real talent.” I had so many fun hobbies while I was married. Baking, taking pictures, writing, being generally crafty. I had the space and the resources for it. Once I filed for divorce, my whole life changed. Now? I only dream of baking and most pictures I take are with my cell phone.
“I find it impossible to spend less than $50 at Target.” Yes.
“I love to watch TV and consider the DVR to be one of man’s greatest inventions.” I no longer own a TV and the only thing I watch is Pitch Perfect over and over and over. Because BEST MOVIE EVER.
“I am totally inconsistent.”
“I’m a photographer… trapped inside the body of an administrative assistant.” I’m an administrative assistant again. But this time in a department where I’m the minority and I don’t understand anyone! Fun!
“I don’t like people.” I really don’t.
“I love tequila.” Love? Love? Such a profession only comes with the immaturity of a 25-year-old. I like tequila. I despise Fireball whiskey.
“I love to watch movies.” I really do. Especially when I’m having particularly bad anxiety. Bad anxiety… something I didn’t have when I was 25.
“I can’t live without chocolate.” Some things haven’t changed and never will.
“I’m eleven years younger than The Husband.” There’s no longer a husband.
“I’m afraid of everything and I desperately want people to find me interesting.” I really am afraid of everything, but if you don’t find me interesting… that’s fine.